My Pregnancy Journey
I couldn’t believe it when the second pink line became visible on the test. I quickly took 4 more, all with the same results. I was stunned. We wanted to get pregnant and had been trying but I was in disbelief that it could happen so fast. Flash forward to today, where I have gained almost 20 pounds and continuously feel the baby kick…yes, now I can believe it, but just barely. I am currently 24 weeks.
I’ve always known that I wanted to be a mother. It wasn’t even a question. I have not always been the most maternal person and don’t have a lot of experience with babies but, even still, motherhood has always been my goal. People say that you’ll know when you’re ready, but I don’t really think that's true. I don’t think anyone is ever fully ready for a life-change this big and, therefore, I never felt “truly ready” when my husband and I decided to start trying. This past summer I started noticing the people around me with babies and I would become jealous that I didn’t have one too. I started to feel this urge I had not felt before and I really wanted to have a baby of my own. I thought a lot about it and decided now was the best time. I’ve always felt that having children on the younger side would provide me with the freedom to decide how many kids I want down the line and give enough time between births to make these choices consciously and with less pressure. With (hopefully) many fertile years left, I’d be a little more in control of this seeming uncontrollable process. Yes, it might seem like I am a little bit of a control freak and you’d be correct to think so. However, there is a big reason why I felt an urgency to start this process so soon and I will back up a bit to explain why.
My husband has a balanced translocation in his genetic make up which gives us a higher chance of having a miscarriage with every pregnancy. Thankfully, all of the women in his family have not had many issues conceiving, however, they have had issues keeping pregnancies. Every couple in his family with this genetic issue has had at least 2 miscarriages. Thankfully, there have also been many beautiful, healthy children as well but it does add a layer of stress to the process. Knowing this, I wanted to start trying soon after marriage in case it would take us a while to have a viable pregnancy. Thank G-d, in this pregnancy, we have not had any complications. However, the first three months were filled with anxiety and fear like I’ve never experienced before. Every day I would irrationalize that something was wrong. The unrelenting nausea and fatigue did not help either. I am so incredibly grateful to my family and amazing husband for all of their support during that time. Pregnancy and the feelings that come with it truly hit me like a ton of bricks and I had a very difficult time just functioning and working normally.
After getting through the first trimeter, I really have a newfound respect for women and this incredible journey. It’s amazing what our bodies can do. I have become so much more in tune with the emotions that come with growing a life and my heart breaks when I hear about the complications and loses that can happen to others. I do not take the privilege of being pregnant lightly as I know that so many people would give up so much to be in my place. I am incredibly grateful every day to wake up healthy and to feel the baby kicking.
These past 6 months have been quite the whirlwind. We moved a few weeks into the pregnancy which proved to be the hardest month of my life. My husband was laid off and then thankfully rehired. COVID is a constant threat and I am now even more careful than ever to be away from others. However, it is hard since my husband has to work out of the house and, with me working from home, the isolation can be a bit unbearable. These times have brought new challenges to everyone and we are all moving through the hardships together.
I feel so blessed to be growing a life and can’t wait for what this year has in store. I don’t typically share so much of my personal life on here, but I really want to start. I’ve kept this secret for so long, which was very hard given my desire to share my personal journey with all of you. Now that it’s out, I can begin to talk about it more with this amazing community. I am so excited, scared, anxious, happy, sad, all of the feelings rolled up into one. It changes every day (sometimes every hour!) but I am working through it as I grow, the baby grows, and we all grow together, healing from a difficult year, with new life ahead.
